“This is where God wants me to be, this is where God wants me to be.” I told myself this sentence over and over again as I let the tears fall down my face. Being a missionary is harder than I though it would be and sometimes the only thing I have to hang onto is the fact that this is where God wants me to be.
Yesterday was terrible because I let it be terrible. Teaching wasn’t that bad although I fumbled a bit because I had no clue what I was doing and I had time left over at the end (now I am beginning to understand why teachers always gave us busy work). I haven’t been emotionally stable since I’ve been here. One moment I’ll be so happy that I’m here and the next moment I feel like there isn’t enough work for me to do and it is pointless for me to be here. I was running on my own energy yesterday and by the time I got to the end of the day I was emotionally exhausted and the only thing I felt like I could do to relieve all that was find a place to be alone and let the tears flow. I’m not much of a crier but when I do it is really pathetic.
Finally I realized that I couldn’t do it on my own and I had completely pushed out Jesus, the only one who could give me enough strength to get through this life. By then it was bedtime and so I poured out my heart and surrendered to Jesus and prayed that the next day would be better. In the morning I read Romans 12: 2, which says “Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do, and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect his will really is.” I realized how much I had let my negative thinking impact me and that had clouded my faith in God and his will for my life.
Today has been better. Not amazing, but better because I realize that it isn’t about me, it is all about Jesus!! My second grade class is rather crazy and they don’t like to raise their hands or sit in their seats correctly. However, I’m laying down the rules and they are already beginning to respond. Marjorie sits in the back but she is the angel student who does everything that I tell her to. Brittney sits in the front and she never does what I asked her to. It is so interesting to see their little characters shine out in the classroom. There are 12 kids and only one of them is a boy (poor Joshua). They are going to try to have him skip a grade so that he can be with the other boys. I’m going to be honest, teaching can be fun even though it is difficult and I’m interested to see how the next few days will go.
In the afternoon I had other tasks to keep me busy. We are sorting through the kids clothes right now and pulling out the winter clothes and also bringing out the new Sabbath dresses. It is a huge task that takes far to long and everyone helps. While I was sitting down with the group I saw little Noah (he’s probably around the age of two) out in the yard and I signaled him to come over to me. I pulled him up onto my lap and he just sat there for a very long time and became very relaxed. I have never felt so content and happy at Bangla Hope as I did while holding baby Noah this afternoon. Mrs. Waid says that Noah doesn’t get enough attention here and because of that he is a very shy boy. I never had seen him smile until a few days ago when I decided to pick him up and tickle him after that he has always run up to my legs and held onto me. I may not always feel like I am being very productive here but I am showing these kids love and maybe that is the only reason that God has brought me here and I’m okay with that. Holding Noah has reminded me that it is not about me, it is all about Jesus and the little ones that He has brought me to in Bangladesh.
(I'm sure you've noticed that all my posts have a spiritual little message mixed in. All of my posts will probably have that because Jesus is my number one and He gives me strength to make it through each day!)
Yesterday was terrible because I let it be terrible. Teaching wasn’t that bad although I fumbled a bit because I had no clue what I was doing and I had time left over at the end (now I am beginning to understand why teachers always gave us busy work). I haven’t been emotionally stable since I’ve been here. One moment I’ll be so happy that I’m here and the next moment I feel like there isn’t enough work for me to do and it is pointless for me to be here. I was running on my own energy yesterday and by the time I got to the end of the day I was emotionally exhausted and the only thing I felt like I could do to relieve all that was find a place to be alone and let the tears flow. I’m not much of a crier but when I do it is really pathetic.
Finally I realized that I couldn’t do it on my own and I had completely pushed out Jesus, the only one who could give me enough strength to get through this life. By then it was bedtime and so I poured out my heart and surrendered to Jesus and prayed that the next day would be better. In the morning I read Romans 12: 2, which says “Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do, and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect his will really is.” I realized how much I had let my negative thinking impact me and that had clouded my faith in God and his will for my life.
Today has been better. Not amazing, but better because I realize that it isn’t about me, it is all about Jesus!! My second grade class is rather crazy and they don’t like to raise their hands or sit in their seats correctly. However, I’m laying down the rules and they are already beginning to respond. Marjorie sits in the back but she is the angel student who does everything that I tell her to. Brittney sits in the front and she never does what I asked her to. It is so interesting to see their little characters shine out in the classroom. There are 12 kids and only one of them is a boy (poor Joshua). They are going to try to have him skip a grade so that he can be with the other boys. I’m going to be honest, teaching can be fun even though it is difficult and I’m interested to see how the next few days will go.
In the afternoon I had other tasks to keep me busy. We are sorting through the kids clothes right now and pulling out the winter clothes and also bringing out the new Sabbath dresses. It is a huge task that takes far to long and everyone helps. While I was sitting down with the group I saw little Noah (he’s probably around the age of two) out in the yard and I signaled him to come over to me. I pulled him up onto my lap and he just sat there for a very long time and became very relaxed. I have never felt so content and happy at Bangla Hope as I did while holding baby Noah this afternoon. Mrs. Waid says that Noah doesn’t get enough attention here and because of that he is a very shy boy. I never had seen him smile until a few days ago when I decided to pick him up and tickle him after that he has always run up to my legs and held onto me. I may not always feel like I am being very productive here but I am showing these kids love and maybe that is the only reason that God has brought me here and I’m okay with that. Holding Noah has reminded me that it is not about me, it is all about Jesus and the little ones that He has brought me to in Bangladesh.
(I'm sure you've noticed that all my posts have a spiritual little message mixed in. All of my posts will probably have that because Jesus is my number one and He gives me strength to make it through each day!)
Prayinggggg! :) I am giving you a huge hug in my head right now! God only wants great things to happen, and I think they already are.
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